One of the most poignant things that Sue Johnson said during the training was, “We are just not wired to face the vulnerability of being alive on our own”.  Because of this, human beings respond in predictable ways to feeling disconnected from our partner – something called “separation distress” in attachment theory. First, we protest (infants cry, adults usually fight or become critical “why didn’t you call me? you are such a jerk!”); second, we cling and seek (infants may literally cling to the legs of their parents, while adults may do things to get their partner’s attention); third we become depressed and despairing (infants may be inconsolable, adults continue to wish for connection with their partner but say things like “it doesn’t matter, he/she will never change”), and lastly we detach and grieve the relationship (this is often when couples break-up).

EFT helps couples understand their distress/conflict as part of these biologically “wired in” responses to disconnection, and helps transform the ways they express their needs and respond to one other to create “felt security” – the sense that our partner will be there for us, has our back, and believes we are important and valuable. Once partners feel secure with one another, not only does each person have a better sense of self but is also better able to manage feelings and problem solve issues.
Again, the more secure and connected we feel within our relationship, the more independent we can be!

I love that EFT challenges the myth of self-sufficiency and normalizes our need for closeness and security and the distress and angst that arises from not feeling that security. Most couples I work with express fear that their relationship is “dysfunctional” and worry that they are the only ones that fight or disintegrate into “acting immaturely” during conflict. The EFT model says, “of course you freak out when it seems your partner is not there for you! That’s what human beings do!”

During the training, Dr. Johnson showed us a video that is actually a public service announcement for wearing your seat belt while driving in a car. The video uses human attachment to make this point and is incredibly powerful – it essentially gives the message that life has its challenges/dangers, and our best seat belts are our relationships with the people we love.

I’m excited to start offering EFT to couples in my practice. For more information on the model, the philosophy, books and articles, and the research behind EFT, click here: http://www.iceeft.com/

As always, your questions and comments are welcomed!  Thanks for reading!

This past week, I had the honor of being chosen to present at an event called FanFare, a yearly event hosted by a wonderful organization called the Family Action Network. (To check out their website click here: http://www.familyactionnetwork.net/) FanFare is an event showcasing speakers on a variety of parent education topics, and each speaker gets 10 minutes to put forth their best ideas for parents. My topic was related to parenting, but from the angle of the importance of taking care of the couple’s relationship (the co-parents) as one of the most important ways to foster health and well-being in the individual parents and in the family as a whole.

My talk was entitled: Listening Passionately: The Five Deceptively Simple Habits to Foster Greater Peace, Intimacy, and Connection and was inspired by this quote from Harriet Lerner, “If we would only listen with the same passion that we feel about wanting to be heard” (This idea has really stuck with me!) and by my study of applying Buddhist teachings and mindfulness meditation and interpersonal mindfulness exercises to strategies for being more present with our partners and fostering greater connections. I wanted to share with all of you these five “deceptively simple” habits!  (So called because they actually are super easy to do, but can appear difficult when our emotional reactions to our partner get in the way.)

#1 Set your intention.   If you have practiced yoga, done meditation, or engaged in some sort of “practice session” of a new skill or a skill you want to improve, you may be familiar with the idea of setting an intention for the practice before you begin.  The intention functions as a cue to prepare us for doing something unusual or novel, and then becomes our anchor throughout our practice when we inevitably get distracted or off track during our practice so we can simply notice and come back to our intention each time.  This same concept can be applied to the relationship with our partner.  Before beginning a conversation with your partner, try pausing first to set an intention for how you want to be or what you want to practice during the conversation.  The intention can be anything, but one example I often use for myself is “Be the partner I want” – a version of the golden rule so I have something to come back to each time I get cranky or lose my temper.

# 2 Use water logic “Water logic” is a Buddhist concept and means cultivating qualities of fluidity and openness to people and situations.  Often without realizing it, we are using the opposite of water logic when talking to our partners which is “rock logic”.  Rock logic sounds something like this, “I already know what you are going to say”.  Sadly, when we use this approach in a conversation it usually functions as a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Water logic is like a river you’ve never canoed down before, and sounds something like “Let’s see where this goes”.  See if you can approach a conversation with openness (it often helps to have an image of flowing water to help you stay open) or at least notice if you are in rock logic and make an effort to shift when you notice yourself being more closed to what your partner is saying.

# 3 Don’t soil your own nest (i.e. Don’t s#@%t where you eat!) We often forget the reality that our happiness and our partner’s happiness are inextricably connected.  If we treat our partner unkindly we are essentially treating ourselves unkindly.  This is based on the Buddhist concept of letting go of the delusion that we are separate selves (which often sounds like “I want to be right!” esp in a conflict) and begin to practice observing, being aware, and making decisions about how to act with our partners based on the reality of our connectedness.

# 4  Nod more often Use your body to help promote psychological openness.  When we make eye contact and nod along with our partner as they speak we not only encourage them to talk more by giving them signs we are interested in what they are saying, but it also helps us actually feel more open.  Looking interested is also a powerful form of validation for your partner, and when your partner  feels validated, they will automatically become more calm.  It works like magic!  Its important to remember that validation does NOT mean you agree with your partner, it simply indicates that you understand their perspective, or are at least attempting to understand their perspective.  This practice is a win-win because it promotes more effective listening, and it is a strategic move because it is soothing for your partner!

And last but not least,
#5  Decline the invitation  Our partner’s behavior can often feel like a powerful invitation to be a jerk.  If they are acting cranky, irritable, or rude it can feel like permission to act the same.  Though completely understandable, the problem with this “strategy” is that there is no chance for a conversation to get better or back on track.  However, if just one person can stay effective (kind, patient, etc) then there is hope for things to improve in the moment.  After practicing for awhile, these moments turn into a trend and then your whole relationship can change.  This practice is about owning our responsibility to not make things worse, and more importantly, to make things better with our partner!

So there you have it!  All five of these habits are a lot to take on at once, so I recommend just choosing one to try out everyday for a week.  Each time you practice, make a point to observe differences in your experiences of talking to your partner and any differences in your partner’s behavior.

Thanks for reading!  Let me know how it goes in the comments!

For more information on events hosted by The Family Action Network, click here to sign up for their newsletter:  http://www.familyactionnetwork.net/#!news-letter-sign–up/cjk1

For more information on Interpersonal Mindfulness practices, check out the book Insight Dialogue by Gregory Kramer:  http://www.amazon.com/Insight-Dialogue-Interpersonal-Path-Freedom/dp/1590304853

I just attended 4 day intensive training in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) this past week that was hosted by my DBT Team at The Family Institute. It was absolutely incredible! For those of you who are unfamiliar with DBT, it is a model of psychotherapy that combines the philosophies of behaviorism (how we learn to behave and what maintains or changes our behavior), the philosophy of dialectics (a way of looking at the world and the practice of synthesizing multiple perspectives), and the philosophy of Zen Buddhism. Each morning of the training we would begin with a mindfulness meditation practice. The last morning of the conference, one of the trainers taught us a song about the benefits of mindfulness from Thich Nhat Han’s Plum Village called “Breathing In, Breathing Out” that we sang together mindfully.  I was really moved by the song as it emphasizes how being mindful connects us with our sense of self-worth and strength as well as sets us free from patterns that encumber us.  I found a great video on YouTube of a woman singing the song with the lyrics and the hand gestures (you have to do the hand gestures when you learn the song!) and wanted to share it with all of you.  It’s such a soothing song and makes a great soundtrack for moments in your life where you may feel afraid or anxious or just stuck.  Try singing it to yourself to see if it helps you shift in the moment to a more flexible and open space.

Thanks for reading!

To watch the video of the song, click here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jshH6GQbSbw

For more information on The Plum Village and great articles on mindfulness and mindful living, click here:  http://www.plumvillage.org/

For more information on the Mindfulness and Behavioral Therapies Program at The Family Institute, click here:  http://www.family-institute.org/therapy-counseling/specialized-services/mindfulness-behavior-therapies

Last but note least, here are links to our fabulous trainers!  They are both doing really amazing work in supporting and developing psychotherapists to use evidenced-based methods:

Kelly Koerner, PhD:  http://www.kellykoernerphd.com/page/page/2205291.htm

Charles Swenson, MD:  http://www.behavioraltech.com/training/trainers.cfm?tid=13

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”
-George Santayana

When a person seeks out the services of a psychotherapist, generally, the therapist may encourage them to wonder and explore how past experiences may be impacting them in the present, or how the past may be relevant to their current problems. The usual suspects are childhood and early adolescence – what was your family environment like? How did people treat you? What experiences did you have? How did you understand these things at the time?
Our younger self tends to make meaning of our early experiences which impacts how we see ourselves, how we see others, and particular ways of coping are developed that reflect these views. These same coping mechanisms we developed while younger are often the very things that cause us problems as adults. For example, one client I worked with sought therapy for problems at work. This client had difficulty making decisions which was problematic because she had risen to the level of manager at her job and had new leadership responsibilities. Upon reflecting on how earlier experiences might be relevant to this problem, she discovered that childhood difficulties with impulsive behavior had resulted in her relying heavily on her parents and other adults for guidance on “how to act” (she often got into trouble at school and other formal occasions) which eventually led her to look to the judgment of others vs. being able to cultivate trust in her own judgment. A functional way to avoid trouble as a child evolved into a dysfunctional way to approach decisions as an adult. Understanding the impact of her past helped this client be more gentle and forgiving of herself and her struggles in the present, and helped her identify ways she could cultivate confidence and trust in herself moving forward at her job.
Another great example of using the past to understand the present is discussed in this post on the blog Postpartum Progress by Katherine Stone where she talks about understanding how her early childhood experiences left her vulnerable to postpartum onset Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:
http://www.postpartumprogress.com/postpartum-ocd-katherine-stone

It can be emotionally difficult to revisit the past, and often there is a tendency to dismiss it. You may have heard people say (or said it yourself) things like, “that’s all in the past” or “that was so 10 years ago” or “let’s focus on moving forward”. The past, like most things, if focused on too much can lead people to get stuck. However, if treated as life experience that has something to teach us, the past can help us understand a bit of what is happening in our lives in the present making the past a reference point that can be enormously helpful.

Thanks for reading! As always, I welcome your questions and comments!

All of these are easier said than done, of course. One good way to begin to begin to cultivate these abilities is to practice noticing your own signs of emotional reactivity, the reactions that lead you to attack, withdraw, or defend in relationships. What are the signs that you are shutting down or beginning to move into self-protection mode? It is usually easier to notice how it feels to shut down first, and then try not to do that, than it is to try and stay open. However, with practice, eventually you can begin to understand how it feels to remain open – to stay connected, to be present, and to take responsibility for your self, your actions, your values, etc.
See if you can use the experiences in your intimate relationships as opportunities to observe yourself, and to begin to cultivate these skills.

Thanks for reading! Happy New Year!

The holidays are generally a time when people get together with family.  As a therapist, a common topic in session these days is preparing to visit with, and/or be with family members over the holidays.  Because of this increased togetherness, the holidays can be stressful, but also can be an opportunity to practice noticing emotional responses to family members, and trying out new ways of relating to family in the face of these emotional reactions vs. getting pulled into the same old roles and habits.

If you are going to give this a try, it pays to think through what your “hot button” issues are with family, and to think about what you want to say and do when these issues or topics come up.  I was recently contacted by Time Out magazine in Chicago for an article on this very thing.  Check out the article here:  http://timeoutchicago.com/arts-culture/15923836/how-to-handle-a-nosy-family

If you are a young adult and still in the process of finding a job, finding a mate, or deciding whether or not to have children – these can be vulnerable areas that make you bristle when people ask you about them or want you to explain “your plan” or what you are “doing about” these things.  The article focuses on how to manage these topics as gracefully as possible.  Of course, there are myriad other buttons that can be pushed in family interactions, but the principles of managing these moments have many similarities:

1)  Slow yourself down.  Don’t respond right away.  Pause.  Breathe. You can say, “let me think about this” if you feel like you need to fill an awkward silence.

2)  Share something in the present moment that is authentic.  Examples might be, “I am feeling a little uncomfortable right now” or “Wow, this type of conversation doesn’t usually go very well between us, does it?” or “I’m not sure what to say right now”.

3)  Engage the other person in making changes in how you relate together.  Examples of what to say might be,”Do you have any thoughts about how we could talk in a better way?” or “What are these conversations usually like for you?”  or “Can you help me understand where you are coming from right now?”

4).  Repeat.

Bowen said that you will know when you are making real changes in your family relationships when “people are throwing stones at you”.  I think he meant that changing our relationships with people we have known all of our lives takes time and is hard work, and it can feel uncomfortable and unfamiliar for everyone involved.  This is why the pull to being in our old roles with family is so easy to fall back into – everyone knows how it works and it feels familiar (even if it feels bad).  However, Bowen also said that if you can stay the course with new behaviors and new ways of relating, those around us will eventually put down their stones and accept the changes as the new status quo. So, keep expectations of yourself and others to a minimum, and then give these steps a try and see if you notice any shifts in you or in the family dynamic.

Good luck with your differentiation practice!

Happy Holidays everyone, and thanks for reading!

For more information on Murray Bowen and his family systems theory click here:

http://www.thebowencenter.org

If interested in theory, but looking for more relatable sources, Harriet Lerner has written extensively on these topics and is informed by family systems theory.  You can get more information on her and her books here:  http://www.harrietlerner.com

To read the Time Out Chicago article on Surviving a Nosy Family featuring tips from me and other Chicagoland psychotherapists click here:

http://timeoutchicago.com/arts-culture/15923836/how-to-handle-a-nosy-family

1. Sell it as a win-win situation
Think about what you and your partner stand to gain by coming to couples therapy, and pitch it from this angle. A great example is something along the lines of, “I’ve been having trouble understanding your side of our issues, and I think couples therapy will help me listen to you in a better way.” Remember that whatever you want from your partner, you have to be willing to give them too, and this is an almost irresistble proposition!

2. Be clear about your intentions
Don’t assume your partner knows why you are suggesting couples therapy, and be sure to state your intentions in positive terms. “I care about you and our relationship, and I want to take steps to take care of our relationship and I think we need some help to know how to do that”, for example.

3. Ask about your partner’s resistance to couples therapy
Show interest in why your partner may be reluctant, “can you help me understand why you are reluctant to try couples therapy?” A common fear is that couples only go to couples therapy because their relationship is “really bad” or “in trouble”. If this is one of your partner’s fears, you can share with your partner that couples therapy works best when couples come in for check-ups (just like a yearly visit to the doctor) to head off or prevent issues from becoming major problems.

4. Invite your partner to research options for a couples therapist
Choosing a couples therapist can be daunting, and you and your partner may want to discuss qualities, characteristics, or areas of expertise that might be important to you in a therapist. Would you feel more comfortable with a woman or a man? Does age matter to you? Do you want a therapist who specializes in a certain area of practice (in addition to couples therapy)? Your partner may or may not end up being involved in choosing a therapist, but showing interest in their preferences and what will make them most comfortable will go a long way towards making the whole process feel like a joint effort rather than something that is being forced on them.

5. Be willing to go to therapy on your own.
Worst case scenario, your partner may choose not to join you in coming to therapy. If that is the case, be open to coming to see a therapist on your own and share with your partner that you are going to therapy to understand your own role in the problems you are having together. Make sure to keep the door open for them to come if they change their mind. At the end of the day, good couples therapy helps each partner to take responsibility for their side of the issues and if you are open to doing this, it can have a positive impact on your relationship. A change in one person, creates the possibility of change in another. Often when someone begins their own therapy, and starts practicing new ways of relating at home, their partner will get curious enough that they will eventually come in too to see what all this change is about!

Would you add any ideas to this list?

Thanks for reading, and as always, your questions, comments, and/or experiences with bringing your partner into couples therapy are welcomed!

For more information on my approach to couples therapy, check out this section of my website:
http://nikkilively.com/services/services-couples-therapy/

For more information on the Gottman method of couples therapy, click here:
www.gottman.com

One of the main messages I would like to highlight on this day, is that depression exisits on a continuum from mild to severe and if ignored when in a mild state, it can worsen and become harder and harder to cope. Much like a headache – if you address it at the first sign of discomfort, often it can be headed off, if you ignore or try to “push through it” – you might eventually have a migraine on your hands! Tuning into our bodies, our emotions, and our thought processes and using these as important signals about what we need is a crucial part of emotional well-being (and dealing with or preventing depression). Self-care is a huge part of this which I’ve written about often on this blog, and a practice of self-awareness (see past post here: http://nikkilively.com/practicing-self-care-moving-from-should-to-good-habits/). Engaging in psychotherapy is one way to work on, or learn how to take care of ourselves and decode emotional signals, but there are many other ways as well (see links below). So, the other important message for me on this day is that emotional health and well-being are just as important and worthy of our attention as any other part of healthcare.

May you be inspired on World Mental Health Day to make your mental health a priority today and everyday!

Thanks for reading, and as always, your questions and comments are welcome!

For more information on World Mental Health Day, as well as ways to manage depression and the latest research on depression click here:
http://www.wfmh.org/index.html

I also wanted to share some links of my commonly visited websites for inspiration on keeping myself well and happy!

http://pemachodronfoundation.org/

http://www.ordinarycourage.com/

http://www.daniellelaporte.com/

That same week I also swam a 2.5 km event in Lake Michigan called the Big Shoulders classic. I was absolutely terrified of swimming – not only in Lake Michigan, but also swimming that far and that long. I had been training for it all summer both in the pool and in the lake, but had not swam that distance continuously in the training workouts, and of course, lake conditions are unpredictable. I both wanted to do it, and didn’t want to do it……it was one of those things that if it had been canceled due to a storm or lightning, I wouldn’t have minded. In fact, that morning before starting to get ready to go, I checked my email first just to make sure that some cautious park district employee had not, in fact, judged the water conditions too choppy or dangerous for Big Shoulders to be held that day. No email…..so, I got ready and went down to the beach…..And it was great! While I was swimming, it was challenging (the water was really choppy that day it turned out) but I tried to remind myself, “you are doing it!” while also noticing the thoughts along the theme of “I wish this were over”. When it was over, however, I was so thrilled to have directly taken on my fear of open water swimming, and so proud of myself for completing the swim. I felt happy, and still do whenever I think about it.

Of course, happiness has been a frequent topic on this blog – what is it? how do we get it? what does it mean? Today I saw a post on the Huffington Post called “How to Be Happy” with 12 ideas on creating a mind set of happiness. One of their ideas was “Do something that terrifies you” in which they commented that, “Depression is an inherently ironic state: You are too sad or afraid to act, when a simple action will produce the content you need to be happy in the first place. So break the cycle.”

Because our brains are wired for survival, neuroscientists say that when it comes to threat, our brains are more likely to see threat when there is no threat….just in case. Basically our brains are wired for false positives when it comes to danger, that way we are more likely to stay alive. However, we aren’t necessarily going to be more happy this way. Re-wiring our brains for quality of life means taking on challenges that make us anxious so that we learn through experience that something that seems scary is actually quite do-able. So, if something scares you initially, rather than avoid it, consider looking at it more closely. I was so afraid of swimming, but I wanted to do a triathalon and avoided the whole thing for years, and then slowly but surely signed up for swimming lessons and fast forward 2 years have done two triathalons, and now Big Shoulders!

So, commit to looking more closely at the things that terrify you. You may find a challenge within those things that can unleash your potential and lead to greater joy and fulfillment!

Thanks for reading!

To read the post on How to Be Happy by Elite Daily on the Huffington Post click here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elite-daily/happiness_b_1837059.html

For more information on The Family Institute and its services click here:
http://www.family-institute.org/

Meanwhile, I was looking at my Twitter feed this morning, and Lauren Hale (of www.mypostpartumvoice.com) had posted a quote from Anais Nin, ““We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” I’ve seen this quote before, but it struck me today because I’ve been thinking about recent events in my own life where I interpreted someone else’s behavior towards me as evidence of my own self-worth (or in this particular case, my lack of self-worth). The thought process can pretty much be summed up like this, “why would they talk to me like that? What is wrong with me?” and no where in that thought process(in the heat of the moment) did it occur to me that there might be another way to look at the situation which made me feel pretty crappy about myself.

Sound familiar?

If so, you are not alone! Taking things personally (i.e. viewing other people’s behavior as being about us) is a common phenomenon. First, because human beings are self-centered by nature (a side effect of our survival instincts) and thus we are prone to believing that we are the cause of things, and second, because we all have areas of sensitivity – ways we have either been hurt or traumatized in the past that remain triggers that are easily (and usually unwittingly) set off by our experiences with friends, partners, family, co-workers, and complete strangers.

A chronic habit of taking things personally can really do a number on a person’s self-esteem. In fact, it can feel like a roller coaster of ups and downs based on how other people are treating you on any given day, and unfortunately, it’s not a fun ride. So, how can we stop riding this coaster and start looking at situations as opportunities to learn more about ourselves and create more stability in our relationship with ourselves?

Here are a few things I am working on when things seem personal to shift my experience that I hope will be helpful to you too:

1)  Cultivate an awareness of the feeling of “injured innocence”.

In the Tibetan tradition of Buddhist meditation, they talk about beginning to notice our habit of identifying with an “I” – this “I” refers to our idea of ourselves, our habit of relating to ourselves as a solid entity that is often revealed in statements like, “I never thought I would do something like that” or “I’m the type of person who does this or that”.  They say the best time to observe the relationship we have with ourselves is when we are in a state of “injured innocence” and feeling indignant, hurt, and wronged.  With practice, the feeling of being wronged by someone and how we experience that, what we tend to think, what we tend to say, how we tend to go into a defensive mode starts to feel uncomfortably familiar……..which leads me to #2….

2)  Assume that you do not know the full story.

So often we may never know why someone was talking to us in an impolite way or being unkind, and may assume it has something to do with us almost as a default in the face of uncertainty.  Instead of assuming that it has something to do with us, practice assuming it has something to do with something going on with the other person even if we don’t know what it could be.  One truth that I try to keep in mind is that people usually do not treat others unkindly unless they are in a lot of pain themselves……which leads me to #3…..

3)  Assume similarity.

This is something I use often in couples therapy when couples are having a conflict.  It’s easy to forget that human beings are more similar to each other than we are different especially during times of conflict or when someone has hurt us.  If we practice assuming that all people want the same things, and that we all have areas of sensitivity and vulnerability it can be helpful in moving on from hurtful moments, especially if we can think about a time when we acted similarly to the way the hurtful person is acting……..

4) Remember that even when it’s personal, it’s still not personal.

I forget where I heard this, but I remember feeling confused the first time I heard it!  After giving it a lot of thought, my take on this is that it is healthy to look at our roles in interpersonal situations, but it isn’t healthy (or helpful) to take things personally.  For example, a quality of my personality or interpersonal style may be liked by one person and despised by another.  There is no right or wrong way for people to react to me, and in fact, the way a person reacts to me likely tells me something important about them and can be an opportunity for me to learn more about myself.  If I am in some type of relationship with the person who despises my qualities, it will be important for me to be open to their feedback and their experience of me, which is distinctly different than me feeling as though I am despicable simply because they happen to dislike something I do or some way I interact with them.

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

5)  Do a personal inventory.

Ask yourself, what was going on with me that I took something so personally?  What do I tend to be sensitive to in interpersonal situations?  What parts of me need compassion and healing?

Practiced together, these concepts have the potential to shift our experience of ourselves and others.

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcomed!  Thanks for reading!